I struggled to post this one, that’s why I’ve been ignoring my Wednesday schedule posting. Not because I’m ashamed, or regret, but because I don’t want to deal with backlash. People think they know a persons heart when they don’t. They think what they see is true when sometimes, it isn’t. I’m not real BIG on sharing allot of personal things because that just opens the door for judging. Not that I care if I’m judged. My child is just my social media friend … and people rather assume than come to the person to have adult chats and I do not have patients for the crap that the human race is capable of spewing. However I share my ramblings because I know it could help someone else in my situation. Yes, it makes me vulnerable, but oh well.

It’s been a bit since I’ve updated. Mainly because I have been going through some changes, and trying to figure out how to make them make since. When I first started this blog it was honestly to record my ramblings! I’m good at rambling I’m however not good at keeping up with things. I need to change that.

Anywho here’s the update.

I decided to close my relationship. Not because anything bad happened, I just realized polyamory isn’t for me. Not because anything bad happened, or rules and trust were broken but because I realized that its not what I wanted, and I have been covering up a strong desire to leave an unromantic relationship. that I was honestly trying my hardest to keep together for the sake of our child. That’s not healthy for nobody. The child, the adults, just bad for everyone.

We are better friends than anything. I still and will always support Justin because at the end of the day, he’s my sons father, my friend. We have just grown apart and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean either of us failed at the relationship or marriage, it just means we’ve grown apart. It’s not like it happened over night … it has been a over the years type thing. I just ignored it because A I didn’t know how my child would react and I wanted to keep things as normal as possible. He’s on the spectrum and I was not sure how to explain things to him where he didn’t feel he was the blame. I did however explain things to him, and he knows he’s not the blame. He knows he’s still loved by all, and nothing will change that. So, that makes me happy. My son is happy and thanked me for being real with him. My 13 year old said you shouldn’t do something in order to keep someone else happy when you are unhappy. If you tried and gave it your all its not failure it is realizing you need to step out of your comfort and try a different path. B; I didn’t want people blaming Chad for our breakup. Chad had absolutely nothing to do with it. He always supported whatever I decided as long as its legal he supports me. He’s been my best friend for 14 years. I can’t control what people think and how people feel, I can only control what I know and I know the truth. People will talk no matter what though. C; Didn’t want people thinking it was because Justin was a monster. He’s not a monster, we just grew apart as romantic partners 2 years into our marriage and we’ve tried everything to fix it. Some things in life just not meant to be and that’s okay.

He’s still polyamorous, and I still 100 percent support him. I still stand by him! I still and will always stand by him as a friend.

It’s funny how life works itself out. Justin has a few partners and he’s happy. I just have one partner and I’m happy.

June 11 2022 Chad and I had our public wedding. It was beautiful! Everything flowed oh so well together. It was a tad bit hot … okay more than a tad bit hot, but it was fantastic! To have the families Blessing is a blessing. My mother in law, father in law, step mother in law, and sister in law were such great blessings. Without them we could not have had the beautiful ceremony we had. They put everything together, supported our crazy, and it was just beautiful.

We danced to “Dance with Me” by Caleb and Kelsey. We cut the cake together, my mother-in-law made the most beautiful bouquet that I get to keep yay!!!!!! The food was amazing, and those that celebrated with us was fantastic.

I couldn’t ask for more honestly. I’m Blessed.

I’ve also found that I’m happier when I focus on my Prayer life, studying my Bible and following Christ. I missed my Catholic roots! I’m glad I listened to the Spirit instead of continuously pushing it away because I didn’t think I was worthy enough for it. Things just fall into place when guided by the Spirit. Now, we can focus more on trying for a baby. That would be a great Blessing.

I’ve been slacking on my updating.

This week, I’ll write about self care.

As women, its easy to forget to take care of ourselves. We put everyone first IE our husbands or significant others, our children, our home, etc and we neglect ourselves.

We have to stop doing this. We can’t make spaghetti if we don’t have water. We have to fill our own tanks before we empty into another’s tank.

We need to learn our love language, and love ourselves that way before we expect anyone else to love us.

So, because I’m random you get an entire post about my kids education.

When Corban was little I decided I was going to homeschool. I only planned to homeschool threw elementary school, then send him to school.

THat’s not what happened. Here’s our journey!

At age 4 we in-rolled him into a virtual school out of Mequon Wisconsin. He used the Little Lincoln curriculum. I’m not sure what possessed me to use virtual school with a preschooler, but I’n sure common since wasn’t used. He enjoyed it. It gave us a foundation. Before that he did Montessori daycare and I’m not sure why I changed from that. Anyways, I did, and although virtual preK wasn’t all that bad, being tied to someone else’s schedule was annoying.

We finished the year, switching to My Fathers World for K and first. You can find that at mfwbooks.com it was great, but not enough for my budding learner. However, we must complete what we started right? So, that’s exactly what we did. His second year, we did Exploring Countries and Cultures. That curriculum again is found from My Fathers World. Along side that we used some worksheets from superteacherworksheets.com, education.com, pbskids.org, and whatever I thought he needed. We did not complete all 36 weeks of Exploring Cultures and Countries because week 12 in, I was supplementing more than i liked. I felt confident on my decision to allow Corban to explore his own learning desires by then, so we switched to unschooling.

I let people get into my head how bad unschooling was, so I in-rolled him in to Bridges Virtual Academy out of Merrill WI. That was the longest school year ever. Third grade was hell, and we didn’t care for the teacher. His problem was he was testing 2 grades ahead, and the teacher had no clue what to do with him. We kept trucking along because I wanted to prove to people my kid was not screwed up. He’s pretty smart.

We finished that year of hell, he went from 3rd grade to 5th grade. Crap that was a jump. I was not ready for that. However i was responsible for him. His learning, his education.

I listened to him, and let him learn what he wanted to. THe boy has a vas ocean of likes, and he loves to research. He loves to learn. I’m Blessed to be able to facilitate his education. It’s been fun watching him progress and learn new things. Eighth grade is where we are now. So much fun! He hates geometry but loves everything else.

This is a hard topic for many to talk about. It’s even hard for Chad and I to talk about. So, bare with me as I share our story.

December 2019 we found out we were pregnant. We were so super excited. Chad’s first biological baby. We were over the moon with excitement. Listening to the babies heartbeat made us smile, and feeling the flutters and sharing how it made me feel with Chad made us both smile.

Pregnancy is suppose to be the happiest time in a couples life and it was. I mean we had a few small fears, IE cps trying to take our baby because we’re both blind … and yes, this is a thing that has happened before, to a few small fears that every expecting parent has.

Nothing prepared us for what lay ahead of us. It was April 17, 2020 at 9:00 AM when we learned we lost our baby boy. The night before I started bleeding, but I was told by the midwife that was normal because we had inter-cores, so I trusted those words. I went to sleep and woke to the most horrific pain one could ever feel. I’ve had a few miscarriages before, but never this late in pregnancy. I can’t even put words to the pain I felt. Everything was a blur. Losing our baby was painful, anger inducing, sad, and it ripped our hearts out. It tested our relationship, yet brought us closer.

Chad blamed me for losing our baby, and that was so hard. I had one task, and I failed at that. He was angry with me, and when we tried having inter-cores, he was so disconnected it started to depress me.

Most of the time, as women we think of how we feel, and i’ve heard women say that their significant other just didn’t care because he showed it different and that hurt my heart.

Chad, even though he blamed me, and didn’t talk about it much was still suffering. He knew it wasn’t my fault but he didn’t know how to make those thoughts stop. He eventually had to chat with my mother-in-law to get what a woman goes threw when she miss-caries threw the eyes of someone else before he understood. We then had a long connecting chat that brought us closer again. It took us a year and 6 months later to talk to my mother in law, but I’m glad we did. She helped us reconnect with each other. I don’t know if she knows how much she helped but she did.

We named our baby Solomon Juan David. He would have been 15 months, and although last December would have been his first Christmas (he would have been 3 months) this would have been the first Christmas he had a tiny bit of understanding of how to open gifts, etc. It made us sad that he’s not spending it with us, but happy he’s resting in the arms of Christ. He’s safe, and even though he’s not safe with us because God had other plans for him, he’s safe.

We started trying to conceive again in November 2022. I was 10 days late for my period, so we thought we were finally going to have our rainbow baby. It was such a disappointment when I started my cycle. It’s always so disappointing to get that negative test. It also pierces our heart when people constantly ask if we’re going to try again, or if we’ve given up. Also, asking when we’re going to have a baby like we can just snap our fingers and appear pregnant. I had someone recently tell me due to the fact we miscarried I should have been kicked out of a moms group because a miscarriage is a choice. She a new mom herself said because its called a spontaneous abortion, you choose it, therefore you shouldn’t be allowed to be in the space with moms that chose to keep their baby. Those words hurt because anyone with half a brain knows you don’t choose to have a miscarriage, it’s one of those sad things that happen that you have no control over.

We are still trying to conceive. Being a blind person trying to use basal body thermometers to track ovulation is headache inducing because none work with my screen reader. Luckily, I know my body. We’ll have our rainbow baby when we have him/her. We just have to trust Gods timing is greater than ours.Thank you for reading our story. We hope and pray it helps you.

This is the last Wednesday of December. It’s the 29th. I’m sad to see 2021 go, but happy to see what 2022 has in store for us.

Chad and I are still trying for a baby. I hope and pray this is our year. It’s so hard getting “NEGATIVE” test every month. I just feel its time. I pray to God daily that we have our rainbow baby. So many are counting on us to have another baby. Without meaning to the constant being asked “When you gonna have another baby” cuts deep. The question isn’t meant to cause harm, or to make either of us feel sad, but it nonetheless makes me feel sad, I can’t speak for him.

On another note, 2022 will be our year because I’m claiming it! I’m not blocking my Blessings with any type of hatred for anyone. If the lord wills it, it’ll happen. We just trust, have faith, and believe.

Merry Christmas

Yesterday, we celebrated Christmas. It was 82 degrees outside. A beautiful day in general. Christmas is my 2nd favorite Holiday. Not because of the gifts, but because the family time and the reflection on Christs birth. It’s a time to humble yourself and think of the babe in the Manger while spending time with family and friends.

Receiving of gifts is not my love language, but I love giving gifts. I’m not ungrateful to receive gifts, but do to it not being my love language, I am not sad when I don’t receive one. However, seeing the smiles on others faces make me smile.

This Christmas season has been a great time of reflection. I have grown closer to Mother Mary, and Christ himself. From November 28 til December 24, we lit candles in our advent wreath. Each day praying for family friends, and those in need, reflecting on Christ arrival, and praising God for the Blessings that flow freely.

I could never put into words how Blessed I am, and trying would be too headache inducing, so I will not try. I will however say this 2021 Christmas was an amazing one.

As we enjoy the last few days of 2021 I can not help but smile. This has been a year in deed, but if God brought us to it, he’ll bring us threw it.

Hi, it’s 3:05Am when I started writing this. It started out as a journal entry. As i lay listening to Contemporary Christian music, a song by Man disa called “CRY” comes on. That’s one of my favorite songs, its also one of my thought provoking songs.

If you don’t know the words, you should look it up.

Here’s just a peek into it:

Why you gotta act so strong

Go ahead and take off your brave face

Why you tell-in’ me that nothing’s wrong

It’s obvious you’re not in a good place

Who’s tell in’ you to keep it all inside

And never let those feelings

Get past the corner of your eye

You don’t need to run

You don’t need to speak,

Baby take some time,

Let those prayers roll down your cheek

It may be tomorrow

You’ll be past the sorrow

But tonight it’s alright

Just cry

Those words are so powerful. I don’t know about you, but I tell myself these words all the time. It’s okay, stuff it. This is my cross to carry. The sad thing is … I believe those lies. I believed I was not worthy enough to be open, to share, to be real and let my feelings show. I believed that concealing and not feeling was the way to go.

I was so wrong. As I prepare for Advent, I’m reminded 2 things “1 Jesus cares for me.” Even though I feel unworthy, he loves me, and “2 My feelings are valid. If I’m not true to me, whom else will be?” I need to remember to give myself grace. Grace is for me too.

As many of you know I was once a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints. I can’t say it was the worst decision of my life, but it was rather close. Tied with number 1, and to me that’s sad. I’m usually the one to research, to ask questions, to go with my gut feeling, and for some unknown reason i failed to do either. It has been a tedious task trying to get my records removed, and part of me wants to give up. I made that decision I should deal with the consequences. Those are lies I also tell myself. Why is it so easy to lie to ourselves? I don’t know about you, but its easy for me. It shouldn’t be easy for me. I shouldn’t let the devil have that kind of hold on me. However, I do.

Each day I’ve been praying the Rosary, the Angelus, the Hale Holy Queen, and a Christmas Novena, I feel closer to my soul. Closer to who I’m meant to be. I have felt a great deal of peace, and that brings me joy. As I prepare for the birth of our Savior, I can only be grateful for my eyes being open, and the Lord leading me out of the valley of darkness I was in. I’ll probably lose friends after this vulnerable post, but oh well. Jesus lost many, yet gained many, and if he suffered, what makes me think i shouldn’t?

Trying to pretend to be who you are not is tiring. Holding everything in because you feel its the only way to keep the peace is tiring. So, you get me, raw, vulnerable, and open. Not many is use to that because I’m usually so closed off.

However my journey may help someone else, and it may not, but I feel tuns better already by not keeping everything in. I didn’t realize how much I was doing that until a few days ago. It’s my goal to be completely removed from the LDS church sooner than later, attend RCIA classes, and go back to where my soul yarns for. My roots are Catholic, not my upbringing, but my soul, my heart, my roots, and I shouldn’t have left my nest. I can’t dwell on the shouldn’t haves because that’s the past, I have to dwell on the now.

Good night peeps.

So, I’m back. It has been a long time from the last time I’ve updated. So many things has changed.Many for the good.I found myself again. Like, literally found myself. It’s weird because I didn’t know how deep I was lost until I mentally hit rock bottom. I pushed so much of me away and shoved so much down that I forgot me. Depression overtook me and life just sucked. Strangely it was also still full of joy. Let me start with the very beginning.

I have tried every denomination out there. Catholic, Baptist, and Mormon to name a few. The only place I felt real was at Mass. The only place I felt like I belonged was Mass. You are probably wondering why I left. … I ask myself that as well. I left because I felt weak in my faith. Nature called me, Crystals and stones and such called me. I felt drawn to them. I felt drawn to healing. I thought something was wrong with me, so I went exploring. I’m an explorer by nature, and i have to sometimes learn the hard way. :p However I know this is who I am. So I went journeying threw. Sampling everything like a good little human. Each path guiding me like it was appointed to be my tour guide. I learned so much, but I lost me too. Being a tourist is hard work when there is stumbling blocks. I thought “boy oh boy will I ever learn?” I always said I’d learn when I was dead. That sounds so dumb when said out loud. Obviously I kept chugging along. chug, chug, chug hoping to find the light at the end of the tunnel. All I found was emptiness.

You’re probably wondering: “How did you only find emptiness when you have everything? A family, people that love you, a home, etc.” News flash you can still feel empty in a sea of people. It’s called depression and self-loathing. I loathed it all. I did not loath my family, my home, etc, just myself. My family is what made the joy I experience daily the only tinybit of light in my place of darkness. You, like me are probably wondering what took you so long to realize this? Yeah, some are quicker than others when it comes to realizing they are in fact suffering. I sure as hell didn’t realize it.

Well, that leads me to here. Remember when I said I stupidly left my Catholic comfort zone to explore because the world was my tour guide and even though everything inside me said no, don’t do it … I leapt in the fire and did it anyways. The main denominations that had such a profound affect on my life in were Catholic we already know I should have stayed. The Rosary gave me comfort. I will fully get confirmed one day. Baptist, that was an experience. I never felt comfortable with the teachings, but I loved the Pastor. Pastor Tim Erickson was simply amazing, and that’s why I stayed. Mormon, I’m still recovering from this one. Stupidly I let Justin lead me here, and even though I knew it was wrong, a cult, I tried seeing it threw blinders. Man, did that ever mess me up. These are my experiences, and even though I do not plan to ever bash anyones beliefs, I have to share why I struggled so much, and my transformation because my story may be what someone else needs.

Catholic: I first went to a Catholic church when I was 14 or 15, maybe even 16 I’d have to go back in my journal and find out, right now that’s not important. I felt at peace. Taking the Eucharist and praying the prayers brought my troubled heart, soul, , and mind peace. I felt like I could be myself, attending Adoration brought me unexplainable joy even though I hated confessions. Attending confession made me feel icky. It was me, not the Church. It made me open to whatever scruteny was at hand, and I didn’t like being vonerable. I know that was a me issue, and I knew I needed to work on it. I left at 21 or maybe even 22-23 years old. Again, thats not important. Justin didn’t want to attend Mass, and we had a child to raise. I wanted to raise my children Catholic, but that’s not what his father wanted, and I didn’t want to fight over denominations, so I was like whatever. The Lord knows my heart right? I could pretend … fake it until you make it you know? That made me so sad.I left my roots, my happy, my safe haven to jump into the Baptist boat, and that broke me.

Baptist, I started attending Bethel Baptist Church for MOPS that stands for Mothers Of Preschoolers when Corban was 8 months old. I enjoyed the fellowship, even though at times I felt lonely. I was still struggling with the fact that I was out of my boat, my comfort zone at the Catholic Church, but I kept pressing on. Justin wanted to try a service after we were invited by a friend to an activity, and even though I still felt meh, I was like whatever, lets do it. Maybe this is what I need. Pastor TIm Erickson was kind, welcoming, and all round a jolly good fellow. The music was great, and the chairs were comfortable. Stupidly I thought this was just what I needed to connect with the moms from MOPS because most of them attended Bethel. Boy, was I wrong. I still felt lonely and sad. So, I jumped into serving. Teaching Sunday School, helping in the nursery, helping with Awana, singing in the choir, and helping when they needed extra hands. This gave me a purpose, but it didn’t provide what I got from my Catholic church. I then felt I was just being selfish comparing them because it was like apples and pepperoni, and there was no addidquid comparison between the 2. I regretted giving away my Mary statue, my Rosary, my little things that brought me peace but what could I do. I just learned to suck it up and deal. To keep pressing on because my husband and child were thriving at Bethel. Who was I to ruin that. When Pastor Tim left, Bethel was um depressing. The pastor that I was there for was gone. So what was the purpose of staying. Justin must have heard my thoughts, because he suggested trying out another church. This is the Mormon church. This is an entire different kind of struggle.

Mormon, The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints … man, that’s a mouth full. Try saying that fast 50 times! :p Anywho this journey was depressing. Sept 5,2015 Justin and I were baptized into the Mormon church. We were confirmed Sept 6 a member. This was weird practice to me. Like, uh the Holy Ghost lives in us, no man can give that to us. It was weird, but whatever. I taught Gospel Doctrine, i taught primary, I sang in the choir, but I still felt like I didn’t belong. In 2017 I agreed to Corban getting baptized at 8 years old. Why, who knows? Temporary laps of judgment and that’s what his father wanted. I felt obligated because we were being pushed to be sealed in the Chicago Illinois Temple. I had nightmares of them not letting my baby be with us if I didn’t let him get baptized, and that he would be gone forever forever and we wouldn’t see him in heaven. Those haunted me until his baptism date Nov 5 2017. I wish I could take it back. I probably should have just gone to therapy, or put my foot down. I didn’t, and I can’t dwell on the I should haves. However, I went threw the motions. Being sealed May 20 2017, as well as endowed was allot of emotional torture. I thought if I faked until i made it things would be better. After receiving my endowments, I had to ware white garments. Those garments were hell on earth. I don’t like layering up. We were told they were special protection for us. I always asked didn’t we have God, I was sure Magic garments weren’t the answer, but I complied because how can i set an example for my child if I didn’t. THe Janesville Ward (this was what they called the church building) was unwelcoming. Yes, some people talked to us, but many acted like we were a disease needing to be squashed. I felt lonely there. To atlease not feel lonely we fed the sisters and the elders. This was the Church missionaries. We grew close to several, and didn’t care for others. However they were lights to me. I just wish i could have been honest with how I was feeling. I’m not sure it would have mattered anyways. In 2018-2019 we left the church kind of. We brought Chad to visit a few times before leaving for good. Only if we can get our records pulled because I’m tired of getting the emails, etc. Yes, we have to go threw a process to get our info pulled from the church. UGH, headache inducing. When we left, we tried United Church Of Christ. I think we went 4 services before we changed our mind

United Church of Christ was lonely. It was somewhat close to the Catholic church, but not my safe haven, not my boat. Not my happiness. We made absolutely no friends there. Yes, someone picked us up but that’s where it ended. Four Sundays of that was good enough for me. I then said if I can’t attend my Catholic church F church because I was done suffering.

Do you think any people that claimed they care about my family from Bethel, The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints, or The United Church of Christ speaks to us today? The answer is no. None of them. It use to hurt, but now I just don’t care. They were stumbling blocks on my tour guided journey and I learned a thing or two.

Back to the now! I’ve not attended Mass yet! However I’m a practicing Catholic, a healer, a lover of nature, and this is okay! This is who I am, and if people don’t like that, I can’t help it. I will no longer hide in the shadow of someone else’s wings because I deserve to be me. I deserve to be who I was created to be.I live as a Catholic even if that’s not what Justin wants to do. He’s now atheist anyways, and so is Corban. I respect their right to be whom they desire to be. Chad and I are practicing Catholics, and that makes me happy. One day we’ll go to Mass.

Justin found a partner and that makes me happy that he found his happy. I’m not sure what the future holds, but I do know the now holds happiness for my family and thats the change we needed. Everything just fell oh so perfectly into place, and nothing brings me more joy. Now, I’m praying Chad and I have our rainbow baby. Losing Solomon last year was torture on us both. We deserve this! So, I will continue to pray for a baby boy or girl. I know my prayers will be answered.

Prepping for our handfasting has been so much fun. researching the places, putting together the guest list, picking colors, finding dresses! It has all been so much fun.

If you are wondering what a handfasting is, check this out; What is a Handfasting Ceremony? Everything You Need to Know I hope the link works! Anyways, I finally picked my dress, and I am over the moom excited. I just need to go do measurements etc before placing the order.

Our wedding day is June 11, 2022, and we are already counting down the days! Our color theeme has been picked out, and we just can’t wait until its all put together!

So, i have an almost 13 year old. He gave me permission to use his name, so yay! When Corban was born, we asked Chad to be his Godfather. Of course, he said yes! I met him when Corban was 8 months old. When we fell in love, I wondered how blending our family would work. What would Corban call Chad? Would Justin be okay with it? How would we explain polyamory to him. At that time, he was just 2 almost 3 years old.

We just let life play itself out. Sometimes, Corban calls him Chad, sometimes, Dad 2, we left it up to him. To think we were so worried about what he’d call his step father and how that would affect things. Glad that worry is gone.

So, now we blend families. Chad’s family and Justin’s family to Corban. Corban now has 5 grandparents, no they are not polyamorous. Justin’s mom and dad, Chad’s mom, dad, and step mom. He also now has 2 aunts and an uncle. We just try to help him remember aunt/uncle so and so, and grandma/grandpa so and so when addressing them. He is still shy since he just gained extra family last year, but we let him go at his pase.I mean, he was 11 when Chad came out to his family, so there is that.

Many people say that Corban would be so confused because we’re polyamorous. He just said as long as nobody is hurting nobody, and I’m not being abandoned for a partner, date who you like. Well, make them legal, not ave drug problems, and remind them I’m not their property. That’s how it should be too. We let Corban form that relationship with Chad, itwasn’t forced. It’s rude to force a relationship on children. That’s not how we roll.

Chad and I are trying for a baby. We lost our son Solomon Juan Blanco at 17 weeks last year. We named him Solomon because it means peace. We needed some peace in our lives after losing him. Weare trying for our rainbow baby. Corban wants a sister lol not a brother he says. However, we all know that’s not how that works. You get whatever the universe decides for you, and you just learn to smile.

When we have Z if a girl or C if a boy, we’ll let him/her decided what to call Justin. Baby will be given his/her fathers last name because that’s respectful. Corban says hurry up. Lol I keep telling him it don’t work that way. I can’t just snap my fingers, and pregnancy happens. That’s crazy.

So, this what blending a polyamorous family looks like for us. I have the best in-laws ever that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Just to think I was so nervous to meet them last year. I still can’t believe its only been a year since I’ve know them. It seems longer.