This is a hard topic for many to talk about. It’s even hard for Chad and I to talk about. So, bare with me as I share our story.
December 2019 we found out we were pregnant. We were so super excited. Chad’s first biological baby. We were over the moon with excitement. Listening to the babies heartbeat made us smile, and feeling the flutters and sharing how it made me feel with Chad made us both smile.
Pregnancy is suppose to be the happiest time in a couples life and it was. I mean we had a few small fears, IE cps trying to take our baby because we’re both blind … and yes, this is a thing that has happened before, to a few small fears that every expecting parent has.
Nothing prepared us for what lay ahead of us. It was April 17, 2020 at 9:00 AM when we learned we lost our baby boy. The night before I started bleeding, but I was told by the midwife that was normal because we had inter-cores, so I trusted those words. I went to sleep and woke to the most horrific pain one could ever feel. I’ve had a few miscarriages before, but never this late in pregnancy. I can’t even put words to the pain I felt. Everything was a blur. Losing our baby was painful, anger inducing, sad, and it ripped our hearts out. It tested our relationship, yet brought us closer.
Chad blamed me for losing our baby, and that was so hard. I had one task, and I failed at that. He was angry with me, and when we tried having inter-cores, he was so disconnected it started to depress me.
Most of the time, as women we think of how we feel, and i’ve heard women say that their significant other just didn’t care because he showed it different and that hurt my heart.
Chad, even though he blamed me, and didn’t talk about it much was still suffering. He knew it wasn’t my fault but he didn’t know how to make those thoughts stop. He eventually had to chat with my mother-in-law to get what a woman goes threw when she miss-caries threw the eyes of someone else before he understood. We then had a long connecting chat that brought us closer again. It took us a year and 6 months later to talk to my mother in law, but I’m glad we did. She helped us reconnect with each other. I don’t know if she knows how much she helped but she did.
We named our baby Solomon Juan David. He would have been 15 months, and although last December would have been his first Christmas (he would have been 3 months) this would have been the first Christmas he had a tiny bit of understanding of how to open gifts, etc. It made us sad that he’s not spending it with us, but happy he’s resting in the arms of Christ. He’s safe, and even though he’s not safe with us because God had other plans for him, he’s safe.
We started trying to conceive again in November 2022. I was 10 days late for my period, so we thought we were finally going to have our rainbow baby. It was such a disappointment when I started my cycle. It’s always so disappointing to get that negative test. It also pierces our heart when people constantly ask if we’re going to try again, or if we’ve given up. Also, asking when we’re going to have a baby like we can just snap our fingers and appear pregnant. I had someone recently tell me due to the fact we miscarried I should have been kicked out of a moms group because a miscarriage is a choice. She a new mom herself said because its called a spontaneous abortion, you choose it, therefore you shouldn’t be allowed to be in the space with moms that chose to keep their baby. Those words hurt because anyone with half a brain knows you don’t choose to have a miscarriage, it’s one of those sad things that happen that you have no control over.
We are still trying to conceive. Being a blind person trying to use basal body thermometers to track ovulation is headache inducing because none work with my screen reader. Luckily, I know my body. We’ll have our rainbow baby when we have him/her. We just have to trust Gods timing is greater than ours.Thank you for reading our story. We hope and pray it helps you.
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