Hi, it’s 3:05Am when I started writing this. It started out as a journal entry. As i lay listening to Contemporary Christian music, a song by Man disa called “CRY” comes on. That’s one of my favorite songs, its also one of my thought provoking songs.
If you don’t know the words, you should look it up.
Here’s just a peek into it:
Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you tell-in’ me that nothing’s wrong
It’s obvious you’re not in a good place
Who’s tell in’ you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings
Get past the corner of your eye
You don’t need to run
You don’t need to speak,
Baby take some time,
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It may be tomorrow
You’ll be past the sorrow
But tonight it’s alright
Just cry
Those words are so powerful. I don’t know about you, but I tell myself these words all the time. It’s okay, stuff it. This is my cross to carry. The sad thing is … I believe those lies. I believed I was not worthy enough to be open, to share, to be real and let my feelings show. I believed that concealing and not feeling was the way to go.
I was so wrong. As I prepare for Advent, I’m reminded 2 things “1 Jesus cares for me.” Even though I feel unworthy, he loves me, and “2 My feelings are valid. If I’m not true to me, whom else will be?” I need to remember to give myself grace. Grace is for me too.
As many of you know I was once a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints. I can’t say it was the worst decision of my life, but it was rather close. Tied with number 1, and to me that’s sad. I’m usually the one to research, to ask questions, to go with my gut feeling, and for some unknown reason i failed to do either. It has been a tedious task trying to get my records removed, and part of me wants to give up. I made that decision I should deal with the consequences. Those are lies I also tell myself. Why is it so easy to lie to ourselves? I don’t know about you, but its easy for me. It shouldn’t be easy for me. I shouldn’t let the devil have that kind of hold on me. However, I do.
Each day I’ve been praying the Rosary, the Angelus, the Hale Holy Queen, and a Christmas Novena, I feel closer to my soul. Closer to who I’m meant to be. I have felt a great deal of peace, and that brings me joy. As I prepare for the birth of our Savior, I can only be grateful for my eyes being open, and the Lord leading me out of the valley of darkness I was in. I’ll probably lose friends after this vulnerable post, but oh well. Jesus lost many, yet gained many, and if he suffered, what makes me think i shouldn’t?
Trying to pretend to be who you are not is tiring. Holding everything in because you feel its the only way to keep the peace is tiring. So, you get me, raw, vulnerable, and open. Not many is use to that because I’m usually so closed off.
However my journey may help someone else, and it may not, but I feel tuns better already by not keeping everything in. I didn’t realize how much I was doing that until a few days ago. It’s my goal to be completely removed from the LDS church sooner than later, attend RCIA classes, and go back to where my soul yarns for. My roots are Catholic, not my upbringing, but my soul, my heart, my roots, and I shouldn’t have left my nest. I can’t dwell on the shouldn’t haves because that’s the past, I have to dwell on the now.
Good night peeps.
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